Sometimes it happens and I can’t explain why. My body is overtaken by emotions to a point where it hurts. Ok, let me break it down so you can see what I mean.
I go about my day like usual. Feeling cheery and positive and all is fine, until suddenly IT creeps up on me and BOOM suddenly I am in this mood, feeling, anxiety- whatever you want to call it. All the thoughts flood my mind and go through me, making me wonder what if? What if I will be alone forever? What if the one I love won’t love me anymore? What if I lose what is precious to me like my kids? What if my feelings of just feeling will go away? What if I don’t get a chance to complete my life in the way I wanted? What if? All of the sudden these damn “what ifs” put me in the center of it all and I feel as if I am floating disconnected from everything. I get into this panic inside me, where I feel my stomach getting tight and I just want to cry. I feel alone, completely alone. I don’t understand my own self and I don’t expect you to understand this madness either. I have kids, I have a man who loves me I am surrounded by people constantly who care about me and yet I am feeling alone? Really? Something is not right. My soul feels so inspired one minute and the next it feels empty. I pour my heart out into wanting to help those who I see emotionally down and yet I am at times emotionally broken myself. I have sympathy for those that are hurt and I look up to those who are strong. I try to understand where each person comes from and what is the core of that darker ribbon that lingers inside as part of the sadness? And yet I cannot figure out my own ribbon that seems to appear time to time within me. Can this be one of the openings? Is this another lesson to learn? Do I need to feel this emptiness inside my heart and soul so I can learn new ways to understand others? Can this be one of my own phobias that is coming up? Am I afraid to be alone? Well I know I need love, I mean don’t we all. But I mean love as acceptance, not love as partner loving you. I know I want to be accepted for who I am, I want to be loved as a being, I want to be understood, I want to be part of what and who is important to me. What is missing? I have it in one way or another, but my soul needs more. All this heaviness on my chest, I need to let go of it somehow. Well this might sound like bunch of rambling to you, but in a way this is self-healing. Expressing yourself so all this heaviness is flowing out. Here I am exposed of my masking, my walls, you see me as I am with all of my emotions on the table. I am sure you can find yourself somewhere between these lines as well. Oh I felt this way before or I know exactly what you are talking about. So what to do from here? I take it all in. I allow myself feel these emotions to a point where there is no more. I allow myself to feel vulnerable. I cry, I think, I ponder. I sit with myself, feeling my own breathing. Then I express these feelings, through writing like the one here and now, through a poem, through a painting or a song and my own Reiki healing. I heal myself with what feels good to the soul. Then I turn this into another lesson in my life. I apply it to others by being more compassionate, by telling someone how to deal with certain things in the way I dealt with it. Who knows it might help someone along the way. Most of all when I work with my Energy Healing on others this is how I connect with people who I treat. I connect my soul with theirs, understanding what they need healed, why they might feel the way they do. And knowing how unjustifiably painful it can be inside I want to help that pain to go away for them, just as much as I am trying to make it go away for my own self at a time like this.
Thank you for being part of my expressing. I hope you found something that you connected with and I hope you can see even though we are so different we are still in some ways the same.