My confidence in my intuition started to fade just when I started to see the miracles of spirits that are no longer here with us. Just when I started to get the wisdom from the other side... Just when it all became so amazingly connecting to the soul, I allowed my intuition to be questioned over and over because I wanted more proof; I wanted to have answers ready when I am asked, but it didn't always come through. And when it did I doubted it if it was right... even after I had got it validated I would test myself again and then because I pushed myself harder maybe I would use my ego instead of intuition and getting wrong answers gave me more and more blocks to stop listening to my own intuition.
Here I was slowly loosing myself in my own doubts. Here I was slowly moving away from what is deep down in my core has always been a calling and now I was too afraid and not believing in my own abilities. Instead I got busy with usual bullshit of what life always offers us; worries, bills, long working hours, stress, disappointments, hardships, heartbreaks, anxieties and all the beauty of highs and lows in life.
There were moments where I have gone through a tremendous pain that my heart and soul couldn't bare. I felt like I have died inside. Obviously I have not died, but my body couldn't bare all that so well. It caused me to have extreme breakouts, as if body was rejecting all that pain and darkness. I have become empty inside. Completely empty, numb, stripped of my confidence, my vibrant energy I once shared with the world. I was stripped of my own persona of who I was and it seemed like a long road to get back to the light. My body started to slowly break it's mechanical work flow. My muscles became tight, from all the tension, anxiety, pain and lack of good nutrition I started to have major muscle spasms, tendonitis in numerous areas of my body. My hair started to feel dead just like my soul, it started to fall out more, my skin wasn't glowing as it used to, my neck became with stiff aches and every morning I woke up I would have pain coming down my arm, spasms in my ass from tightness of my piriformis syndrome... basically I was falling apart. Sounds like a joke right... It just became like a domino effect.
There were times when I had the urge to get back to painting because I knew that this is what makes me feel good inside, this is what makes my soul feel alive. This is where I express my emotions as if it was on paper with words, except here no one knew the words I was saying and things I was feeling it was up to the viewer to feel what they want. Even though I had those days when I wanted to grab a brush, that feeling quickly went away when I had realized that I was still too raw with my emotions and I would not be able to express it while I was still not in the calm state of mind.
During this time I had learned about myself more as I have dived into astrology on a more deeper level. I have learned more about who I am and why I am the way I am. I have learned my reasons for sensitivity to others and their energy and how it affected me because I am an empath and to top this amazing part of me, I am also Moon in Pieces. Basically feeling all the emotions and energies for me is like a storm hitting the shore all day, everyday. YaY for me!!!! I wondered to myself if this is why I am always feeling everyone's worries, everyone's pain, emotional distress. Is this why I always want to help everyone, is this why I somehow pull all the sad, depressed, helpless, needy, clingy and lost people my way???? Not that these people are bad, because we all go through these phases sometimes. Is this why even the ones who are much older than me came for comfort, advise and guidance? Somehow, I always seemed to have the right words, advise, knowledge and wisdom that came from somewhere deep inside, that seemed to me was really from a higher level of vibration. Did my soul come here to go through all the struggles and pains and then apply them to those who came to me so I can help them? Is this why I am so sensitive to energies? Is this why I am forever a gypsy and healer at heart? Is this why materialistic shit means nothing to me compared to how much hunger I have for wanting to continuously learn and expend spiritually to only elevate those who are in need as well as myself? Because that wisdom, that knowledge and peace you can obtain is more valuable than materialistic things. Astrology and the signs in which houses they were in- gave me a lot of those answers. Boy oh boy did my soul plan a big task for me to learn and endure in this lifetime... Now I am chewing on it all. I know, I know it's all for the purpose of my experiences and growth, and even though I have those low moments I am still grateful for all that I have learned and for all the pain I have gone through to be where I am today as a spiritual being. I also know that there are still a lot of parts of me that need to be changed and you know for Taures in Sun sign (not liking the changes), Virgo in Ascendant (the need for plan and structure) and Pieces in Moon (feeling emotional, sentimental, spiritual and very intuitive) it's hard to split myself in one direction or change so quickly with all these traits .
Let's get back to why I started this blog. I know I tend to get off topic all the time :) because my mind is running thoughts in 1 million directions at once, and somehow they are all connected for me whereI feel that, I have to talk about them all. This is kind of the reason why I started the blog actually, to point out that I have been pulling tarot cards over and over in the past few month and they all keep telling me "Julia, shut up! Shut your damn brain from running it's mouth. You need to get back to your peace, your stillness. You need to MEDITATE in order to feel balanced again, to feel grounded and to get back to feeling your connection to Divine." Ok, well obviously my cards don't really talk to me like that, but you get the point I am trying to say. Right? All this time my tarot cards would come out all about needing to replenish your energy by spending time in the nature, find time to meditate, heal your heart, heal within, find your light by spending time alone in the quite. I saw all these messages and of course I ignored it because there are too many things going on. Too many changes happening in my life. I don't have time for meditation as much as I would like. I forgot how to shut my damn brain from it's chatter.... There aren't enough hours in the day for me to get all my stuff done, then find time for me to do things I like, like painting, yoga, meditation, writing, singing, playing my guitar, jewelry making (just picked this one up recently as an additional hobbie I can't find time for). Eh, the list goes on for what I want to do, what I need to do, and the excuses I make why I can't do.
And here we are today. Pulling the cards for my soul message a few days before the fool moon. What does it tell me I need to do?! MEDITATE! Go into quite place, away from mind chatter, find time to be with myself so I can hear my souls wisdom. So I can hear my higher self tell me what I need to do to find my balance, my peace I once had. My soul knows what it needs and the cards tell me exactly that. And when I do that, my confidence (solar plexus chakra card) will be balanced. I will get back my confidence, my radiance of my soul will shine again. Except now as empath, I should know better how to protect my energy from the Vampire energies of those around who drain me. (This is a lot of work that I am still in the process of learning) The result of the cards.... Success!!!!! YES!!!! I will be successful in being balanced, being at peace, being more vibrant again, happy, less stressful (you know you can't be stress fee completly from all.... people come on!)
Here it is. My rambling about todays tarot cards that came out. It was like a door bell ringing in my head telling me that this is not the first time this message has been given to me. I had to realize it, I have to act on it. I had to share it because I know there are plenty of you, just like me. Who are allowing the business of your life, the crap it comes with become so overwhelming that you just get swallowed by it all. Consumed with worries, you get your entire body out of wack, where you now think you are just sick, or falling apart because you are getting old. STOP kidding yourself. It's first the mental state and how balanced and nourished it is that effects your emotions, then your body and then you just feel like a broken cuckoo bird. I wanted to share this because I am sure there are some of you who will read this and too will recognize the signs you have been feeling, receiving or hearing even on how you need to MEDITATE! How you need to find that peace within yourself whatever it takes. If you have to go lock yourself in the room to be alone, go drive yourself to the park, pull over the highway to sit for a few minutes in your car taking deep breathes. Shit, I have in my car and my purse essential oils so I can breathe the crap out of them to feel relaxed and feel like I am finally allowing myself to slow down even if I am doing this for a few minutes. Yes, maybe sometimes the road rage still gets to me :p but we are all people and you can't just not feel at all. You can though keep bringing yourself back every time to that Zen by constantly being conscious of your stress you bring on yourself from your busy mind. You can keep bringing yourself back to breathing and meditating when ever you can have a few minutes to keep yourself more balanced until you finally will get back to that peaceful state of mind.
This is a reminder for me.... and I wanted to share this with you so it can be a reminder for you too. Life is short and we are meant to enjoy it, grow from it, expend spiritually and to do that we can not allow our ego, our fears, our doubts and worries get so much in the way of this that we are no longer living but rather suffering in our own world we have created.